100 Funny FaceBook Status Updates

What happens when you suffer from insomnia and have trouble focusing on things? You create a list of 100 funny or witty FaceBook statuses and updates collected from various sources. Hope you guys enjoy them as much as I did. They are listed in no particular order but that may change in the future.

1. ˙ǝןƃuɐ ʇuǝɹǝɟɟıp ɐ ɯoɹɟ pןɹoʍ ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooן ɐ ƃuıʞɐʇ sı

2. One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.

3. Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

4. Dance like no one’s going to put it on YouTube.

5. Sometimes? Late at night? I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.

6. Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.

7. Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

8. I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

9. Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?

10. If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don’t eat it: It’s probably poison.

11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

12. If guys had periods, they’d brag about the size of their tampons.

13. --^v--^v--^v--^v-_____^v--^v--^v-- For a second there, I was bored to death

14. if u need a friend (text me) need a laugh (call me) need a hug (stop by) need money (this number is no longer in service)

15. Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.

16. So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.

17. Insert coin to view my status message.

18. Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn't surprising really, since it isn't my birthday

19. Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? i bet hes not laughing out loud

20. ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

21. debating whether to take the blue pill or the red pill.

22. U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. How many fish do you have? Stop counting smart one. Fish cant Drown.

23. My wife said I’m too immature and if I don’t grow up it’s going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha, erect.

24. We live in the age where pizza gets to your house faster then an ambulance.

25. STATISTICALLY,5 OUT OF 6 PEOPLE ENJOY RUSSIAN ROULETTE.

26. Facebook is the only place where its acceptable to talk to a wall.

27. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

28. You broke my heart into several pieces, Good! Now I can give it to several girls‌.Oh.... ok.... --------- ̿̿̿ ̿' ̿'̵͇̿̿з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/'̿'̿ ̿ ----------- see what you made me do!!

29. If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN

30. ┣▇f͟͞a͟͞c͟͞e͟͞b͟͞o͟͞o͟͞k͟͞▇▇═─™ This drug is very efficient for cases of chronic boredom. Extra doses can lead to addiction.

31. is riding ponies outside Wal-Mart. . .I need quarters.

32. is bringing sexy back? honey your the reason sexy left in the first place!

33. I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.

34. Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.

35. is posting on Twitter that he is updating his Facebook status update.

36. I’m on the “Starts tomorrow” diet.

37. is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.

38. is sticking sharp metal objects into the wall outlets.

39. is out making some changes in his/her life...leave a message and I'll get back yo you. if I don't return your message your one of the changes!

40. is looking at you naked (mood: disappointed)

41. is waiting for the men in white coats to come.

42. is thinking so what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.

43. Joining the army. I hear it's a great way to meet people. Then kill them.

44. Rejecting your reality and substituting his own.

45. Running with scissors!

46. is busier than a cucumber in a woman's prison.

47. is pretty fly for a white guy.

48. is still HOT..it just comes in flashes now.

49. is talking to his inner voices..& they don't like you.

50. is undressing your profile pic with his eyes and you look hot.

51. is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

52. Judge me all you want... just keep the verdict to yourself.

53. is Despised or idolized... either way I'm recognized!

54. is playing Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.

55. remember JESUS LOVES YOU... It's everyone else who thinks you're an idiot.

56. Colorblind and trying to solve a rubiks cube... this could take a while.

57. is swimming like a sperm with a purpose!

58. I liked you....I loved you...now i just wanna stamp on ur f*ckin head...

59. The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

60. To be old and wise, you must have first been young and stupid !

61. I’ve used up all my sick days, so tomorrow I’m calling in dead.

62. When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always

63. Reality is for people who can't use the internet.

64. Some things man was never meant to know. For everything else, there’s Google.

65. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

66. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

67. Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

68. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

69. I still miss my ex....but hey my aim's getting better!

70. wants to merge MySpace, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and call it: MY FACE YOU TWIT.

71. wonders if she can qualify for a government bailout package?

72. will update her Facebook status for money!

73. Rehab Is for Quitters.

74. X's gene pool could use a little chlorine.

75. is not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

76. is drinking Apple Juice because O.J. will kill him!

77. feels like getting some work done...and so he is sitting down until the feeling passes.

78. is thinking "9000 people are having sex right now, 2000 are kissing, 100 are getting a head and you are reading my status. Hang in there Sunshine"

79. is planning to be spontaneous tomorrow.

80. says ignorance is bliss, but on Youtube it's a prerequisite.

81. Strangers have the best candy.

82. would rather check her facebook than face her checkbook.

83. Dyslexics of the world, untie!

84. _____ is not for everyone, ____ may cause serious side effects such as Nausea, Fatigue, Dizzyness, and Bladder Problems, Ask your Doctor if ____ is right for you.

85. After a certain age, they become less like "birthdays" and more like "sell-by dates".

86. Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

87. Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked.

88. I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

89. Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15.

90. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

91. I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

92. There are 2 types of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.

93. Oh, come on. Lower your standards a little, I just did.

94. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

95. Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly...well enough about ME! How are you?

96. is beating his previous record for consecutive days of being alive, so far so good.

97. The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.

98. Everyday of my life, i'm forced to add another name to the list of people who piss me off.

99. thinks elevators probly smell alot different to midgets!

100. is recharging: ████████████ 99.9% complete

Be sure to check out my 80 Funny Twitter Status Updates as well!

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