80 Funny Twitter Status Updates

Well to a really surprising response I received from my 100 Funny FaceBook Statuses my fellow hubber's asked me for more. So without further adieu I give you 80 Funny Twitter Statuses.

1. I think the best thing about always wearing a clean pair of underwear is you're never really out of coffee filters.

2. You wouldn't think any of my tweets were funny if you knew how many pedestrians I injured while writing them.

3. Say what you will about Starbucks, but I like having a place to go where I can be certain I'm not the most pretentious person in the room.

4. Every time you make a "your mom" joke, I call my mom to check. Most of you are liars.

5. I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to encourage cows with body image issues.

6. So, this 'One Laptop Per Child' thing. Where do I drop off the child and where do I pick up the laptop?

7. I'm being forced to attend a scrap-book party. On the positive side I have always wanted my suicide to be well documented on acid-free paper.

8. Why do they call it a happy meal if it tastes like a whole lot like depression?

9. No. I do. I think your baby is adorable. I'm just concerned about what might happen if you get it wet or let it eat after midnight.

10. My favorite words to use during conference calls: saturated, penetrating, hot button, probing and fellatio.

11. Ignorance may be bliss, but knowing that you're smarter than somebody feels pretty good, too.

12. Excuse me Ma'am, would you like me to taze your shrieking child for you?

13. It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more vodka.

14. Much like your inflatable holiday decorations, I look presentable at night but stay in a crumpled unattractive heap during the day.

15. Life would probably be easier if I were atleast good at things.

16. Japan's new first lady saysaliensonce took her to Venus. I'm just amazed aliens also call it Venus. Boy, we nailed that one.

17. Half of the appeal of staying up late is the total absence of morning people.

18. Had to child-proof the liquor cabinet this weekend because my god is our baby a mean drunk.

19. Sitting on my balcony and shouting out phrases like "I smell cat!" and "I have a carrot in my butt!". I like to keep the neighbors confused.

20. I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.

21. Despite what everyone says, I don't think your mom is a "dirtypirate whore". She's actually quite clean for a pirate whore.

22. How is English not considered a Romantic language? "Boobs"? Helloooooo?

23. I bet childhood obesity rates in Hidden Valley are completely off the charts.

24. I have serious ethical problems participating in human cloning experiments.. I just couldn't live with myself.

25. I may be a little off base here, but I don't think the point of those personal breathalyzers is trying to beat your old score.

26. Dude. Go shave your mustache. Just because it looks good on your mother doesn't mean you can wear it well.

27. I hope that one day I will be mature enough to spell extravaganza without giggling after the first 8 letters.

28. Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.

29. My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.

30. Wishing yourpetscould talk is fun until you remember everything you've ever done in front of your pets.

31. It's Canada Day Eve, so I have to leave a jar of maple syrup at the window. Otherwise, Céline Dion comes in the night and eats your eyes.

32. China has blocked Twitter. Now 1.3 billion people will have no idea what I'm having for lunch.

33. We hate what we do not understand. I'm not really sure what that phrase means, but it's stupid!

34. Had pie for breakfast, now going to ride my mountain bike and listen to punk rock and heavy metal. Suck it, adulthood. I win.

35. If I die before I wake, I pray the lord will hide my porn.

36. I'll be moving to LA and staying there for the first three months of 2010. I'll be looking for friends and, if that fails, cocaine.

37. "Twilight" and "New Moon" are great names for strippers.

38. Can you claim "temporary insanity" in daily life/ text situations or does it have to be court related?

39. When im talking to someone, i tend to lose interest after about 140 characters.

40. "The greatest thing about twitter is that you can quote something and totally make up the source." –Abraham Lincoln

41. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. ~ George Carlin.

42. Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.

43. I just took an IQ test and the results were negative!

44. I actually just complained that my back was sore from lying by the pool yesterday. I'm officially worthless.

45. A law that made itillegalto lie about military medals has just been overturned. Also, my resumé just got interesting.

46. Watching televised golf is the equivalent of waiting to die.

47. Why is it every time I see a girl with a tiara on her head,I have to fight an overwhelming urge to smack it off their head.

48. Just wants to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes CAN change your life!

49. Physicists have yet to explain why 200 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only three registers will be open.

50. People who say "If I disappeared, no one would notice" are wrong. Anyone who actually saw you vanish would be pretty freaked out.

51. I know I seem calm but, its probably because in my mind, I've killed you three times today.

52. My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.

53. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

54. Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.

55. There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.

56. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

57. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

58. Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.

59. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

60. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

61. All extremists should be taken out and shot

62. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

63. Death is hereditary.

64. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

65. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

66. I have CDO. It’s like OCD, except the letters are in alphabetical order…like they should be.

67. I use to play sports. Then I realised you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything.

68. I was bringing sexy back, but lost the receipt.

69. Wonders why Noah didn’t kill the mosquitoes while there were only two.

70. Mantra: Today I will do amazing things. Or eat pancakes.

71. Insert coin to view my status message.

72. I enjoy the Force like my toast - a little on the Dark Side.

73. I've replaced sex with food so now I can't even get in my own pants.

74. Jail has been sentenced to 90 days ofLindsay Lohan.

75. I have an amazing ability! I find objects just before people lose them. The police, however, call it theft.

76. I refuse to participate in this thing called morning without coffee.

77. Why I have half a mind to get another lobotomy.

78. Thinks that happiness is a failure to understand how bad things really are.

79. The only constant is change, except from a vending machine.

80. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Be sure to check out my 100 Funny FaceBook Statuses hub!

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